What NOT to wear to a beauty pageant.

And the winner is….the crown, it was always about the crown. Ohhh and the sash, the sash was lovely and when I received one on my hen do, it made me feel all tingly inside, even though it said Bride to Be and not WINNER, MISS WORLD.

I always loved watching beauty pageants as a little girl.  And now, well now, I get to attend one, like my seven-year old says “in really true life”, see it live, maybe even trip backstage, and maybe, just maybe, touch that crown (is there a crown?) and covet that sash.  Miss Auckland, here I come.

As a wee girl I LOVED watching Lorraine Downes win Miss Universe back in 1983. She was the golden New Zealand Princess and I wanted to be her. It was one of the most exciting things I had ever seen, aside from when Princess Di married Prince Charles. The dresses, the posing, the outfits, the sparkly things and that farking crown; it was enormous and awesome and I wanted one. From there I watched every Miss Universe and Miss World (to be fair I didn’t know there was a difference at that time) that I could get my hands on and then moved onto the Benson & Hedges (icky cigarette sponsorship aside) Fashion Design Awards in the late 80’s. So you get the picture, I liked pageants  things a lot.  And to be honest, the love has never really died.

Then one of my many step-brothers just goes and gets his own “really true life” beauty queen and kick arse producer of awesome and she is pageant Director of Miss Auckland. The really cool thing about Miss Auckland is that the pageant motto is “beauty with purpose”, gotta love that.

So this weekend, we are going along as a family to hoot, holler and show our support.  I, of course, will be eyes on stalks and trying to get my hands on the crown (just for research purposes of course).

Cut to what to wear. I am in a total quandary as to what to wear. This Queen is confused. I’m not usually confused for sartorial options, but this is hard. There are so many faux pas to potentially make, so many ways I could cock this up. So, instead of compiling a list of what to wear, I’ve compiled a list of what not to wear.

1. SWIMSUIT This was easy, I mean, no, just no.

2. SEQUINS In my head, even if they don’t wear them, I imagine the night to be awash in sequins.  Do I dare try and compete?  I have a cool paid of Sass and Bide sequinned trousers, but I suspect I should be leaving them well alone.

3. ALL BLACK This look is probably best left for fashion week, rather than Miss Auckland

4. TWIN SET AND PEARLS I’m not a Dance Mom, so let’s not go there, even though I’m probably old enough to be one of the finalists big sisters; well alright, young aunt.  No?  OK, stop, (whisper) mother. So the Twin Set and pearls can shove it.

5. ACTIVE WEAR that would just be silly or psychotic.

6. A CROWN I so want to, but no, no, no.

So what will I wear to the ball?  Well I will either spend the next 24 hours obsessing over this or, choose in haste after a day in the garden with my boys, run inside, put my hair in a do and pull it together.  I suspect leopard print and a kaftan will be involved.  Watch this space sisters.

So in the meantime, I’ll leave you with this to ponder; the question asked of Gloria Diaz of Philippines in 1969 Miss Universe “in the next day or so, a man will land on the moon.  If a man from the moon landed in your hometown, what would you do to entertain him?”

See you later you gorgeous beautiful queens.

mmmmmwah, love  EJ, the mother of the sisterhood. xxxx